STARTING THE CONVERSATION
You may have friends or family members who you would like to speak with about Black Lives Matter. This page hopes to prepare you for engaging in productive conversations and provide you with sample answers to a variety of questions by providing some sample responses with cited sources. (Please note that the citations are external links.)
First, here are a few things to consider before you jump into talking with friends and family:
SELF REFLECTION
First, we have to reflect on ourselves. If you haven't looked at the Ally page, that's a place to start. Do you hold any prejudices? When we see our own bias or we catch ourselves saying something that can be hurtful, it can inform us about how we must hold the conversation. The conversation mustn't be about blaming someone else. It's about recognizing our biases and our responsibility to change them.
THE FACTS
While appealing to emotion and someone's humanity is important, having the facts is very helpful. You will want to take some time to learn about history, laws, and racism before you engage in a conversation. Additionally, if you already know the facts, you are less susceptible to gaslighting. Facts can provide you the confidence to remain calm without getting flustered. The list of conversation questions and responses in the section below will provide you with some basic resources should you need them.
NOT A DEBATE
Conversations about Black Lives Matter or about racism are NOT debates. When engaging in conversation, remind yourself as well that this is about real people with real lives on the line. While you will need facts for crediblility, this is not debate team. It's not politics. It's about human life and human rights. This should be obvious, but don't "play devil's advocate." Center the conversation on the fact that we are all human beings, and we share a certain set of basic needs and rights which, for many Black people, are not being sufficiently met.
AUDIENCE
Who is your audience? Do you live in a "diverse" community? Do you live in a majority white community? It's important to understand that some of your friends and family will probably feel uncomfortable to hear some things at first or experience denial. Many of us have been taught certain things that have led us to be biased. While we want to make change urgently, sometimes it is more effective to take things a step at a time and be gentle. It will likely be frustrating, but getting angry and shouting probably won't help your case. A balanced conversation where both of you are calm and may be the most optimal way to get through to the person you're speaking with.
A useful post on the topic of speaking with family and friends - @sandatlas
HONESTY AND HUMANITY
If you want to be effective, you're going to have a genuine and honest conversation. Leave politics out. If you want to be heard, you also have to practice active listening and validate emotions. If you want someone to be open-minded, you have to be vulnerable about your own biases as well. Have a conversation as two human beings and talk about humanity first. Establishing common ground can be an effective way to at least consider what you have to say if not immediately understand.
NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGES
Awesome people have created lists of useful and relevant words in various languages for speaking with friends and family whose first language is not English. Special thanks to @michellinman who compiled these!
BLACK LIVES MATTER
"WHAT IS BLACK LIVES MATTER?"
Black Lives Matter is a statement popularized by an organization of the same name. The organization Black Lives Matter was founded by three Black women in 2013 after Trayvon Martin's murderer was acquitted (Black Lives Matter). The organization was created to combat racism and state-sanctioned violence against Black people (Black Lives Matter). Black Lives Matter has been the main statement of years of protests against systemic racism and police brutality against Black people.
"WHY IS IT SUCH A BIG DEAL RIGHT NOW?"
Systemic racism impacts Black people in nearly every aspect of life. Within a few months, we witnessed the murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd which got significant national and even global attention (Do Something). Additionally, we saw a video where Amy Cooper called the police on Chris Cooper even though she was the one who broke a rule (NPR). Black people have been fighting for rights, equality, and the end of racism for centuries. Racism and police brutality certainly are not new, however the media attention and the large circulation of videos have brought the plight of Black people to the nation's attention.
"WHAT IS THE MOVEMENT CALLING FOR?"
The movement as a whole is calling for the end of racism and state-sanctioned violence against Black people (Black Lives Matter). While different leading organizations are advocating somewhat different things, one of the main drivers of the current movement is police brutality (NPR). The movement is calling for justice for the Black people killed and affected by police brutality (Black Lives Matter). While some call for reform (Reuters), the primary call is for divestment from police and investment in public safety and other community services (Washington Post). It's important, though, to keep in mind that systemic racism does not only exist in policing. It exists in many aspects of life. See more on the Facts page.
"ALL LIVES MATTER"
Yes, we agree that all lives matter. However, Black people continue to face unjust treatment and systemic racism, so we are trying to get to where 'all lives matter' by making Black lives matter. If all lives truly mattered, we wouldn't have to say Black Lives Matter. We may have not observed systemic racism ourselves, but that certainly doesn't mean it's not a problem. Saying 'all lives matter' implicitly ignores systemic racism against Black people. Kris Straub has created a comic that illustrates this concept through an analogy. It is an analogy, so it shouldn't be consumed as an exact match but rather a way to understand how the term is insensitive right now. Comic by Kris Straub
"I'M TIRED OF THE MEDIA"
I agree that the news and media can be overwhelming and exhausting. However it is our responsibility to eliminate racism and give back to Black people. Imagine how they must feel as the recipients of centuries of oppression. We need to learn the facts and history that school failed to teach us. Ending racism begins with all of us making changes in our daily lives. We also need to support Black people because they can't dismantle a system built against them alone.
"THIS IS THE LEFT WING NARRATIVE"
This issue is not about politics. This movement is about a humanitarian issue. Database analysis shows that Black people are about three times more likely to be killed by the police (Mapping Police Violence). We are all human beings and deserve to be treated justly and equally. Now and for centuries, Black people have been trying to bring light to the plethora of injustices they face. In regards to news, 'all sides' of the news hold bias, often depicting the movement in a negative light and omitting the vastly peaceful protests which continue to go on. News in general has been complicit in perpetuating racism in their racist depictions of Black people. Thus, the movement calls for change in the country as a whole, regardless of 'side.'
"THE MOVEMENT IS A RESULT OF THIRD PARTY TAMPERING TO RUIN OUR COUNTRY"
Real Black people in America are trying to tell you and tell the country about their real experiences in dealing with racism and state-sanctioned violence against them. When you take the time to listen to the stories of Black people in our country, you will see that this movement is the result of people gathering to object racism, police brutality, and much more. It's about the death of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery, but it's also about the thousands of other lives lost to police brutality (NPR).
PROTESTS
"WHY DIDN'T THEY PROTEST PEACEFULLY FIRST?"
Black people have been peacefully protesting for years and years to minimal avail. You've probably heard of Colin Kaepernick who peacefully protested by kneeling during the National Anthem. He was widely criticized for it (AP). You probably haven't really heard about other peaceful protests because the news does not cover it. By default, I think we can agree that news outlets tend to cover violent protests because that's where the action is.
"I DON'T SUPPORT THE LOOTING AND VIOLENCE."
While there are rumors of external and unaffiliated groups performing the violence and looting, it is true that protesters are also engaging in these acts. We as non-Black people cannot begin to understand the anger and trauma of Black people. Therefore, it is not our place to decide what is an "acceptable" way to protest. Our country has been robbing Black people of wealth for over 400 years. The country has thus been looting and committing violence against Black people for centuries.
Author Kimberly Jones articulates this clearly in this video - @theshaderoom
"MLK PROMOTED NONVIOLENT PROTEST"
Indeed, Martin Luther King Jr. promoted peaceful protest. He denounced riots and violent protest because they were often counterproductive and created white backlash. And No, the quote "a riot is the language of the unheard" does not expressly support violence either. However to use MLK's philosophy to denounce protesters is to ignore the rest of what MLK stood for. MLK understood the deeply rooted pain and anger of Black people in America as a result of systemic racism which spurred to violent protest (Time). In spite of his peaceful approach, MLK was stabbed in the chest (History). The Selma-to-Montgomery march for the right to vote on March 7, 1965 featured a peaceful protest where local and state officers beat, hosed, and tear gassed the protesters when they did not disperse (National Geographic) (National Archives). The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was not the result merely of peaceful protests. There were major clashes and riots (The Atlantic). A fact largely not discussed is that, before he was killed, he began to realize the validity of violent protest. In 1967, he gave a speech to the American Psychological Association convention where he said "Urban riots must now be recognized as durable social phenomena" and noted that the looting serves a specific purpose. I encourage you to read the cited texts (Timeline) (American Psychological Association).
"VIOLENT PROTEST DOESN'T DO ANYTHING"
Again, please read Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech to the American Psychological Association (American Psychological Association). Again, the riots which led to the Civil Rights Act of 1964 were largely not peaceful (The Atlantic). Another significant example where violent protest produced the desired result occurred in the 1770s. Public riots, rebellion, and destruction of property eventually led to the Revolutionary War and consequently the Declaration of Independence (Time) (The Stamp Act Riots, History) (Revolutionary War, History) (10 Things, History).
"WHO IS ORGANIZING THESE PROTESTS?"
(See Black Lives Matter section for more and sources) Upon paying attention to the movement itself rather than the tinted lens of news or other sources, we can see that the movement is led by Black leaders and organizations fighting against systemic racism. We may not have noticed systemic racism, but that's part of our privilege. The ones who hold the truth are the ones who experience oppression. The movement is led by Black people who have been asking for equality for years. The movement gained more significant traction this time around because of the high profile and clearly unjust murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery as well as the blatant racism when Amy Cooper called the police on Christian Cooper. Non-Black people have largely opened their eyes to systemic racism and have committed to being part of the change. Some of the protests have been led by organizations, but countless others have been organized and led by individuals and even teenagers (ABC7 Bay Area, The Cut).
GEORGE FLOYD AND OTHERS WHO WERE MURDERED
"GEORGE FLOYD IS BEING TREATED AS A HERO"
George Floyd is being honored as a human being by other people, and by his family and friends who loved him (Independent). People around the world watched the video and felt disturbed and horrified by the inhumanity of the murder of George Floyd (Reuters). While George Floyd does have a criminal record and was thought to have used a counterfeit twenty dollar bill, his murder sparked a greater conversation about racism and police brutality around the world (Reuters). As such, he became the embodiment of thousands of other Black people who lost their lives at the hands of police.
"GEORGEÂ WAS A CRIMINAL"
It is true that George Floyd has a criminal history. But, people can change, right? That was years ago, and he did his time (Seattle Times). Would you like to be remembered only for your worst moments? Those who knew George Floyd largely spoke about how he had deliberately chosen to change his life trajectory (Washington Times). Regardless, every human being deserves to be treated as a human being.
"HE WAS ON DRUGS"
Regardless of whether he possessed or had drugs in his system, he's still a human being. If a friend or family member you cared about used drugs, would you want them to be treated that way? George was also a friend and family member to many. George was seen as a mentor and a regular churchgoer (NPR). His life was multidimensional like all of ours. Focusing on certain aspects of George's life misses the point that his murder was cruel.
"HE USED A COUNTERFEIT TWENTY DOLLAR BILL"
George allegedly used a counterfeit twenty dollar bill at Cup Foods (USA Today). It has not been established whether George knew it was counterfeit. Only proven intentional use of counterfeit money is prohibited by law (Minnesota Legislature). Even if he somehow knew it was fake, George did not deserve his grisly murder. A college professor at SMU discussed the time he was arrested for a counterfeit twenty dollar bill and attributed his not being killed to his white privilege (Forbes).
"_____ WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE IF THEY HADN'T RESISTED AND JUST FOLLOWED THE LAW"
Even if someone commits a crime, the police are not the judge, jury, and executor. It's not the job of police to kill people. This is also null because there are so many examples where a Black person violated no law and made no effort to resist but was killed anyways. 12 year old Tamir Rice was shot for playing with a toy gun (see post by @thefakepan). Elijah McClain was killed because a passerby thought he looked suspicious (see post by @thefakepan). No amount of innocence, gentleness, or respectability can guarantee a Black person's safety in an encounter with the police. On the topic of resistance, how would you feel if someone pushed you around, treated you worse than you treat a dog, and put you in pain? Why is it that we expect people to remain calm and comply when the police are allowed to be violent and put weapons in people's faces and shoot because they "were scared?"
RACISM AND PRIVILEGE
"I AM NOT A RACIST"
Many people are good people who know that racism is bad and do not see themselves as racist. However, racism is not only in the form of the KKK or racial slurs. Racism also takes form in discrimination and bias as well as microaggressions and much more (@theconsciouskid). All of these forms of racism are harmful to Black people and can cause trauma and sometimes PTSD (Wang, Leu, Shoda) (Helms, Nicolas, Green). Even if we don't intend to be racially insensitive or we believe we are being fair, we often harbor implicit biases against Black people and other racial groups (Vox). I too carry implicit biases that I am working to be more aware of. It doesn't feel good to be called a racist, however it's important that we be honest with ourselves and root out biases when we notice them. If we make mistakes or a someone calls us out, we express appreciation for the accountability and we can choose to grow.
"PEOPLE GET UPSET BY EVERYTHING THESE DAYS"
Racism is not new. The study and public awareness of microaggressions have come to light, and there is significant evidence of the harm caused by them (Lui, Quezada, American Psychological Association). The papers referenced in the text above also demonstrate the negative consequences on mental health. While it can feel like a microaggression or a "lighthearted" racial slur is not a big deal to us, we are not the recipients, so we cannot be the judge of whether or not it is offensive. A video from Texas Casa explains the impact of microaggressions in a digestible manner (Texas Casa).
"WHY CAN'T I SAY THE N-WORD?"
It's dehumanizing. It is woven with racism. Only Black people, who are the victims of the word, have the privilege of saying it.
"I GREW UP POOR, I'M NOT PRIVILEGED"
Everyone experiences different levels of struggle. I understand that growing up with poverty is very tough and difficult to get out of. Saying that someone has privilege is not saying they have not struggled. Privilege entails the advantages someone has. One example is an article featured on the Harvard Business School website that discusses a study that found that resumes of Black and Asian people got significantly more call-backs when ethnic indicators were removed from the resumes (Gerdeman, HBS). This is merely one example. This video demonstrates the implications of privilege.
"I VOTE, THE REST IS NOT MY PROBLEM"
Thank you for fulfilling your civic responsibility of voting. Voting is important on all levels, but it's not going to be enough to end racism. It will take all of us, thinking about our own biases and calling out friends and colleagues when they say offensive and insensitive things. We need to make it clear to our legislators and local officials that they must do everything in their power to protect all of our citizens. Systemic racism exists because we continue to let the systems exist. Racism does not occur in a vacuum. Failing to actively dismantle state-sanctioned racism and violence as well as interpersonal racism is complicity. Yes voting helps, but voting didn't save George Floyd, or Breonna Taylor, or Ahmaud Arbery, or Tamir Rice, or Trayvon Martin...
"BUT A BLACK PERSON SAID _____"
Just like non-Black people, Black people are diverse in every way. In the same way that we don't always say the same thing, Black people won't be saying the same things. Every person's experience is valid, however one person's experience does not cancel out someone else's experience. It's important that we consider all Black voices, those who support the movement as well as those who don't in order to get a full picture of how racism impacts our society. We can then see that money, luck, and adaptation to whiteness among other factors can influence how much and in what way a Black person is impacted and influenced by racism. By educating ourselves and being open minded by taking the time to listen to a wide range of Black voices, we begin to understand the deeply rooted pain and anger felt by the many who are oppressed by the system.
POLICE BRUTALITY
"COPS KILL WHITE PEOPLE TOO"
They do, and maybe that goes to show that it's time that we rethink public safety. It's critical to note, however, that cops don't kill white people simply because they are white. Black people are disproportionately killed by the police, even if they were unarmed. In 2015, white person Dylan Roof shot and killed 9 people at a historic Black church after having written a racist manifesto. Afterwards, the police purchased Roof food from Burger King (HuffPost). If we're being honest, if a Black person had done something of similar magnitude, their prospects of surviving the police are close to none.
"I KNOW GOOD COPS"
I have also had positive encounters with the police. However, we have seen not a handful but many "bad apples" as of late. If you don't believe police brutality exists, @shaunking's Instagram account features some example videos. It is not difficult to find a plethora of example videos if you're looking in the right places. Recently, we saw police officers push 75 year old Martin Gugino and left him bleeding on the ground as officers walked by without helping him. Conspiracy theory or not, the police did not do their job of protecting public safety when Martin clearly needed help (The Hill). In this video, Officer Mitchell explains the some of the problems in policing (TEDx Talks).
"HOW CAN ALL COPS BE BAD?"
This is not to say that people who choose to become police officers are ill-intentioned human beings. I'm sure most simply wanted to serve and protect public safety. However, the police is an inherently racist structure. Many of the first public police forces were slave patrols created to track down slaves and suppress slave revolts (Time). The police as a system and the way that officers are trained inherently sanctions violence against Black people, other people of color, those in poverty, people with mental illnesses, and people with disabilities. A report by the Department of Justice shows that police academies spend about 7 times more training time on firearms skills and self-defense compared with community policing strategies, mediation, and conflict management (Vox). Public safety is absolutely necessary, however committing excessive force against civilians takes away from public safety.
"IF WE DEFUND THE POLICE, CRIME WILL RUN RAMPANT"
"Defund the police" sounds scary, so I can understand your fear of an uptick in crime. It's not the whole picture though. We shouldn't judge something without understanding it. Protesters and activists are actually calling for a redesign of public safety. Inherently, police hold a role which prompts them to assert undue power and violence as soon as they say that they have a reason to do so, valid or not. (See the History page to learn about how police were created to punish rather than protect.) Additionally, police officers have the responsibility of responding to a massive variety of circumstances which can be overwhelming and nearly impossible to fully train for (In Public Safety). Police are often unable to identify or deal with dispatches about people with disabilities (COPS). There will likely still have to be public safety officers who handle violent crime, however investing in social workers or other trained public safety specialists may be an alternate solution to continuously pumping more money into the police with the hopes that police killings and police brutality will end. Increasing police budgets has actually been shown to have little effect on police brutality nor crime (Washington Post) (Popular Democracy). Natalie Portman wrote about her initial fear about defunding the police, but wrote about the things she learned about which changed her mind and caused her to fully support defunding the police (see her Instagram post). Defund the police does not mean doing nothing about violent crime. It actually entails methodically designing public safety in such a way that it still mitigates crime but does not criminalize people for being Black or being poor through focuses such as de-escalation, supporting those who lack basic needs, constructing support to prevent and end violence and addiction, eliminating the root causes of what is currently considered crime, and more. Besides the CAHOOTs program in Oregon, we don't really have a current example of redesigned safety. No, we shouldn't just get rid of police and expect crime to disappear entirely; we should listen to community needs and experts to pave a new path forward that is safer for everyone.
"WHAT WOULD PUBLIC SAFETY WITHOUT POLICE EVEN LOOK LIKE?"
Redesigning public safety in a way that actually promotes safety for everyone will require some innovation. Not every dispatch call requires an armed officer. A study in 2015 recorded all police killings in a year and found that approximately a quarter of those killed by police had signs of a mental illness (Washington Post). Another study found that 25% to 40% of those killed by police have a disability (Vox). Police often perceive these people as dangerous because of actions such as running away, not complying, admitting guilt quickly, etc. (COPS). Shouldn't we have a trained specialist such as a social worker to help rather than harm those with mental illnesses and disabilities? For so long, we have given police too many responsibilities when really there's room for a lot of specialization which will ultimately make our communities safer. Here are some concepts:
SO WHAT NOW?
"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT ALL OF THIS?"
Dismantling racism begins with us. Even I likely have implicit biases to work on. [You can add a personal example.] It's up to us to learn about history relating to and impacting Black people because it is largely omitted in our textbooks. We can learn about the policies that are the foundation of state-sanctioned violence and oppression. We can protest, sign petitions, contact officials, and perhaps most importantly, vote for elected officials on all levels who will create the necessary change from a legislative standpoint. See more about how you can create change in your community and in your country: Action Page
"HOW CAN I MINIMIZE MY RACISM AND BE MORE RACIALLY SENSITIVE?"
Something to start with might simply be taking a moment to think before saying something related to race or cracking a joke to check ourselves and see whether it could be hurtful. Our actions matter too. It can be hurtful for Black people when a non-Black person chooses to cross the street so as to avoid them. We all have feelings, and while it may not seem like a big deal to us, we will never know how it feels because we are not Black.
"WHAT IF I FEEL LIKE I NEEDÂ TO CALL THE COPS?"
We should actually check right now to see whether our city or community has any alternative professional response services and put the numbers into our contacts if there are. In cases of suicide, SAMHSA has a 24 hour lifeline for suicide prevention. In cases of mental or substance use disorders, SAMHSA has a national 24 hour treatment and info referral helpline service. It's not okay to call the police on someone just because of their race or because their skin color makes us feel uncomfortable, scared, or suspicious. It is beyond imperative that we keep in mind that calling the police on a Black person can result in their harm, cause them to be jailed without wrongdoing, or end their life. Black people sometimes fear us because we potentially have the power to end their life with a phone call [see this Humans of New York interview]. See this post for alternative actions: Things to Do Instead of Calling the Cops - @collectiveresistancect